by Punk Walrus | 09.28.2002

Loki was bored.

That's always a bad sign, when Loki gets bored. Things are boring when you are a Norse God, when the only people who worship you are dramatic pimply teens who are trying to get back at their parents by being pagans.

"Great," Loki once said to Freya, "now we're a vehicle for offspring rebellion." Freya just smiled in that trailer-park way, and continued to buff her nails.

Loki was REALLY bored. He had been sitting in Asgard Trailer Park all day, hoping that Odin would get his fat ass out of his camper and send them on an assignment. But he never sent Loki on anything. "Loki, clean the carpet," Odin would ask. "Loki, get the paper." Get the paper. Loki sneered. Jobs best left to Freki and Geri, two fat hound dogs who were too lazy to get up off their own balls. Useless. Loki missed Huginn and

Muninn, those two stupid crows Odin used to have way back in the good old days, although Huginn, with his seeing eye, was probably responsible for Odin's laziness as it was. But at ;east they were good for SOMETHING.

"I'm leaving," Loki said to no one in particular, although Freya smirked. "Can I come?" Loki looked at her is disdain. The Goddess of Health and Beauty. In a terrycloth tube top. "No," he said, and wandered across the Rainbow Bridge into a small suburb of Dallas Texas called Wilson. Thor had decided to put the gate at Wilson because it was named after a sports equipment company. Loki couldn't have cared less, because the people in downtown Dallas weren't as much fun to play with as they used to be in London or Stockholm. Or the village idiots of "Stump-of-a-tree," a small town in Northern Scandinavia which was vacated in 1152 when the goats caught fire. Yes, Loki smiled. That was one of his finer moments. Flaming goats and screaming village people. Odin imprisoned him until 1513 for that one.

There was a distinct lack of goats in Dallas, however. Loki hung around the airport and made luggage randomly disappear or exchanged the contents, but that grew tiresome quickly. So he wandered from bar to bar, getting progressively drunker. The people in Dallas were so jaded. He turned one man into a woman, then a goat, then a flaming goat, but all it ever did was cause bar patrons to roll their eyes and casually move to other tables. Loki's wandering left eye (the tricky one) watched idly as the bar manager put out the goat with a fire extinguisher, complaining about "Pledge week" at Midwestern State.

Loki lost track of where he was, until he was at some called "Waffle Way." He was sitting at a table, drawing runes and glyphs in the water rings on the varnished tabletop, when he saw two people having way too much fun. Two rather large people. Both women.

Large women aren't supposed to have this much fun in his presence, he thought, and decided to turn one girl's hat into a wolverine. But as he pointed his finger and crossed his eyes that certain way, the spell backfired, and a waitress was suddenly struck in the chest by sixteen angry ferrets. Loki sat up, interested. As he watched the woman shake off the annoyed rodents, he muttered, "THAT hasn't happened before."

He tried again. This time, he was going to change the table into a raging bull who had very offensive gastric odor. But instead, the spell ricocheted into a picture of a sailing ship on the wall, and he watched in awe as the ship turned purple, then sank into the arms of a very hungry giant octopus.

He focused his attention on the two girls, who were making ferret jokes at the expense of their waitress. Then one of them said, "Laurie, check out the dude in the peasant shirt with the totally blond hair."

Laurie focused on Loki. She was a little bit snockered. "Hee! Yes, Chickie, I think I'll go ask him to join us."

Chickie sloppily grabbed Laurie in drunken horror. "No, don't do that!"she screamed in a stage whisper several decibels above polite. "He's weird and stuff. Look at that eye."

Loki was now officially annoyed. This Laurie person had some sort of tattoo on her arm, but he couldn't quite make it out. Some sort of symbol. Hmmm... his brain tried to think of the many runes of Asgard, but before he could do that, Laurie was right in front of him.

"Why don't you take a picture, it'll last longer!" she barked.

Chickie was still giggling, holding onto the edge of the table like it was about to unbolt itself from the floor and shuffle away in embarrassment. "She has a WEEG!" said Chickie, now gasping for air. "Show him the WEEG!"

Laurie tipped her wig at Loki, who was not amused. "It cost my mom $200, and Mizz Chickie here thought I should wear it in public. I think it's too hot and sticky. tell me, Blondie, what's a fine guy like you doing so far from the local gay bar?"

Loki grimaced. He knew the people here were jaded, but to directly make fun of a God? He would have none of that. He pushed up his sleeves and really started a big spell. The sky darkened, light bulbs started to cast a reddish glow, and bricks started to work loose in adjoining buildings. He called out to ancient spirits, and the vinyl seats in the diner began to peel and warp.

Chickie sobered up. "Uh oh," she said. "Laurie, I think we made the I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter guy mad... I told you we shouldn't have left the house. You're mom was right!"

Laurie smiled. "Oh, he's mad, is he?"

Loki was deep in some ancient spell. His stirrings in the magical either were so disruptive, even Odin stopped in mid-drink, and looked at the sky. The ground cracked, the roof shook, and a woman who ordered a stack of too many pancakes gasped in horror as the sticky pile slid into her lap. Even the ferrets ran out of the place.

Laurie smiled again. She only said one thing. "I defeated cancer, so do you think some sort of magic spell is gonna work on me...?"

Loki vanished in a puff of smoke.

Chickie sighed. "Freya?"

Laurie turned around. "Yes?"

"You are such a bitch sometimes."

Laurie smirked. "Yes. Yes I am."

Chickie put a $20 bill on the table. "Let's get back to the trailer park before Loki returns."

Laurie turned to her friend. "Nah... I am going to stay here a little while. This place could use a little more health and beauty."